Oddities

This post here, by Suvro da, reminded me of some gaffes I've made and still make and also of some other assorted oddities.

In small towns here, people smile, nod and sometimes even ask another "How are you doing?" The first time that happened, when I was out on a walk, I stared, looked behind me, all around me, and had passed the friendly stranger before realising that the greeting had been meant for me.

The "how are you doing?" is something non-committal. It is a polite way of saying "I've noticed your presence and now it's bye-bye." The question itself, spoken everywhere, is not really something that demands or requires an answer...nothing more than a "fine, thank you. How about you?" is expected. How non-committal is this very polite question? Sometimes one will hear the question while half-running down the corridor. The other person too is half-running down the corridor. Nods and smiles are exchanged. Maybe even a very quick "hi" by the time one is within five feet but nobody is changing his pace. Nobody has any intentions of stopping. Then suddenly the other person will raise the discomfiting question, "How are you doing?" or "How are you?" By this time both people have crossed each other. So it is a feat of speed to lodge in one's "I'm fine. How about you?" before the other person completely disappears around the corridor. Nobody turns his head. Heads are still directed ahead. Eyes are looking ahead. And every now and again, one might just hear the disembodied, "I'm fine, thank you" coming from the corner around the corridor.

I have to say I have not mastered the art of this quick exchange. First, I can never quite say "I'm doing fine" when I'm not. Secondly, sometimes I'm known to have said the idiotic, "I'm good." And that does stop the quick exchange in its tracks and stops me in my tracks while I berate myself in my head, which makes the other person do a quicker march than otherwise. Thirdly, even if I manage to get a non-committal "I'm all right, thank you" out of my mouth fast enough - I have never been quick enough to raise the question, "How about you?" in that single sweeping graceful motion. I have already passed the person. The person has passed me. The only way the person can now come up with his "I'm fine too, thank you" is by hollering across the space that now separates us. I don't mind the smile and the nod. I think both are civil. Even a "Hi" is a fine thing...sometimes the "Hi" turns out to be a mish-mash of "Hi", "Hey", "Hail", and "Ho"...but the "How are you doing?" in these speedy encounters still leaves me feeling rather sub-human. Less sub-human than what I felt in the first semester when I actually told people "exactly" how I was doing but still somewhat stupid....The "how's it going?" also puts me in a bind but in less of a bind. I believe the "it" refers to "life in general" so I simply say, "It's going" although I'm sometimes tempted to say "I have not the faintest clue".

One student from India, so I heard, while taking the driving test had come to a stop at a road "Stop" sign. He waited. And he waited. The examiner finally wryly enquired, "So how long are you planning to stay here?" The Indian student very earnestly replied, "Four years. I'm on a student visa. Five years tops."

At coffee shops and at most of the fast-food places the typical question one encounters after one places one's order is "For here 'r to go?" One student on hearing this rather odd question for the first time replied, "I'm here for five years. I'm on a student visa. After that I'll go back to India."

At coffee-shops and bakeries there are free and sometimes plentiful samples of cakes and other goodies. One sunny day, two hungry students had had some coffee and for once decided to try out the plentiful samples that had all been arranged in a basket. The arrangement did look a little odd because normally the samples come on a platter and they are small bite-sized pieces (which would still be larger than the size of a good sized sandesh) while the basket in question contained gargantuan muffins and cakes and cheese bread rolls. The two hungry students simply shrugged. They got a muffin the size of a human head and shared it. It was very good and they wondered whether trying out a cheese roll would be pushing the limits of civil behaviour. It was at this point that one of the students knew there was something definitely odd about the basket. Quite what it was - the student wasn't quite sure. So instead of trying out another sample - both of them went up to the counter and asked the young cashier, "I say, those free samples in that basket, there - we got a muffin from it." The cashier's face fell and the colour went out of her face. Horrified, she replied, "Those are day-old goods. They're only for display. They're not meant to be eaten." The two students were duly embarrassed and one of them said, "Oh, we're so sorry. We'll pay for the muffin." The cashier waved her hands and said, "No, no. You don't need to pay. They're day-old goods....they're not meant for eating....you ate the whole thing?" "Yes, a muffin. It was a blueberry muffin." The look of horror was still pasted across her face when the apologetic students walked off. Never again has that particular bakery in question displayed its basket of goodies.

At another coffee-shop, a student once saw a bunch of perfectly good bananas about to being thrown away. Horrified the student leapt up near the counter. The student knew that the whole bunch could not be saved but said, "I'll take one. I'll take one of those." The cashier said, "but the stem is missing." "Yes, but it's not the stem I'll be eating." The cashier shrugged and handed the banana to the customer and charged the said student for it!

...Hmm...there are some others. But some final thoughts. I hate it when I let out a demented, "Huhn?" when I can't quite hear what people say. I wish I could get rid of this habit and say a civilised "Beg your pardon?" The other horror-habits I have is either to yell or to mumble. There's nothing in between. I am happy to say though that I have never used the word 'cool' unless I am describing the temperature or being sarcastic. And I will never use the word "awesome" - not to describe anything.