I sometimes am compelled to wonder over some matters of
life, which cannot be understood or explained by reason. That could be a long
list because life as whole on this planet, life-chances, the experience of living
life, happenings and incidents and accidents, encounters, feelings, responses
and interpretations do not work like gravity, lunar and solar eclipses or
because of some immediate, observable cause and effect relationship. I remember
from many years ago, when I was once wondering about reason, my best friend had
shot off the quote to me about reason being like a drunk on horseback; you prop
him up from one side and he slips off the other. Maybe if human civilization
flourishes – human beings will one day, with more conscious and co-operative
intent explore and find other ways to tap into the great mysteries of the mind,
world, life and the beyond. In my early twenties, I never got consistent,
unequivocal answers for all that which lies beyond reason or out of the boundaries
of reason. I was instead propelled into another direction and one which was
very much in-this-world, for the most part. This allowed me to let some of those
other matters alone. ‘Those other matters’ do not refer only to spirits, the supernatural
and suchlike. I explored those matters as well, at 21. But before I start
scratching my head over all the uncanny, inexplicable or humorous (if seen from
one angle, I think) shots from life, let me write about the matters of faith,
meaning, purpose and fate that have returned to my head.
I can’t say how old I was exactly when I first felt that beyond
the general meaninglessness of everydayness, life has a meaning and where one’s
purpose is attached to that meaning. I felt this in a general way but more so,
in a very individualized way. I had doubts too – for what really explained why
people were born where they were? Across the past decade and more – I see
meaning, purpose and sense criss-crossing. But without karma, I cannot see how
the other three factors can criss-cross.
Through my school years, I did not even know what karma was.
But I could see that girls who came from similar backgrounds – did not turn out
to be very similar in terms of thoughts, views, intelligence, likes, dislikes,
sensitivity and what they considered to be important. Two, maybe, at a stretch,
three stood out sharply in their reading habits, levels of intelligence,
memory, powers of articulation, levels of General Knowledge and awareness of
current affairs. They were also the ones who used to top the examinations. One
girl could sing outstandingly well, another was excellent at track and field competitions,
a couple of girls could sketch and paint very well. Then there were girls who had
remarkable memories for remembering almost every line in the textbooks and they
scored very high marks but that was about all they did. I fell in none of the categories.
I am very much aware of what intelligence looks like, enjoy reading about it and
I am still interested in the exceptional human mind but that is as far as I
shall speak on the subject. On the other hand, I didn’t care two hoots about
marks. I was oblivious to it to the point of idiocy. I felt fine when I got
high marks and I wasn’t particularly happy about failing in various subjects –
but I could never equate life as being the summation of marks. I didn’t see
anything wrong about what I felt. If anything, across the last two decades of
my life – I actually feel vindicated in being an idiot about this. On the other
hand, I used to feel delighted to the point of idiocy when we won in basketball
or kho-kho or we won some inter-class prize for the best one-act play or
received an ovation even if we didn’t always win the prize. I’m not really sure
how to explain this. I have mulishly stayed away from anything group-related for
ages unless I’m planning or conducting different group games and team
activities for the workshops, which I enjoy doing.
The matter of making choices in life and what influences the
choices we make could fill a library. But at a basic level, the way I have
understood it – choice-making often depends upon the choices that are available,
visible and one’s awareness of what is out-there. Secondly, it depends upon
whether one sees oneself as being capable or having an ability or some value in
a particular area. The third is abiding interest. This very basic combination
often directs and drives one towards building a life of meaning and purpose.
The fourth which relates to one’s character – with its eccentricities and
personality – is a combination of perseverance, tenacity and belief. The fifth
and sixth are serendipity and faith. The seventh, I would say is Karma. From
another angle, if one considers the ‘compartments’ of life – one can see that life
falls into the compartments of work, relationships, inner-world and
hobbies/interests.
I know that even if one chances upon the meaning of one’s
life in however a fuzzy or plain barmy way early on by one’s early twenties –
things don’t become beautiful overnight and stay that way ever after. But there
is a break. There is a distinct before and after moment that one can clearly
point out to: when life began to make sense. One might then consider oneself to
be the luckiest and most blessed person alive until the matter of actually
living out one’s purpose turns out to be a far more jumbled and muddled affair
than one could have imagined. There are rapid ups and downs, plateaus, grey lonely
flatlands and distant peaks covered in mist. As one proceeds along the path with
the bursts of meaning, one sees that the meaning of life leads to more
questions for which one doesn’t have answers. But, I have found out time and
time again that if one holds on and stays true to one’s course, the meaning, sense
and the answers to various kinds of questions that perplex one are revealed in
layers if not in a linear manner.
One cannot always control the outcomes or correctly predict as
to what will happen even when one is on course and consciously knows one is on
course. The outcomes along the path are good, bad, beastly and beautiful. I
never advocate abandoning reason. A lot of life is based upon the principle of
reason. Yet the bad, meaningless, dragging and horrid patches or their opposite
– the delight, radiant patches, beauty and the best experiences which make life
worth living cannot be explained by reason alone.
The process related to finding one’s meaning and staying on
course towards one’s purpose is most likely different for different human
beings. I do know that by finding and being anchored to one’s meaning and
purpose in life, one is unimaginably better off than one would have been
otherwise. It might not be anybody’s else’s meaning and it might not seem very
reasonable to believe in it but to find one’s meaning and purpose are
practically the first steps towards conscious living. It is not that finding one’s
meaning makes living pain-free. But the meaning is not something that I would
trade for any pain-free existence. And the
strange thing about meaning and purpose is that as life goes on, there are
often layers that are revealed. One can feel when one is on the path, and keenly,
and more than once why the Buddha left the world with his four Noble Truths
even when one tries to rail against it. One is then reminded of writings and
conversations (which make one wonder and keep the faith) although one has
forgotten almost all of what one had read for decades in college and university
courses.
All that said, maintaining faith and ‘moving on’ is
something I have been a colossal failure at during certain periods and points
in my life. But I have been resolute about maintaining my faith in one aspect
even when I couldn’t move on. By my mid-thirties, I was donkey enough to
believe that I had passed my final test on the matter of faith. As far as my
experience goes, it’s easier to keep the faith when the path is not as dark and
grey as the path from years and moments which one can remember at will. Indeed
when there is a particular hurdle crossed or a mini work-mission accomplished
or when one knows one hasn’t been abandoned – one’s faith is rekindled. People
of unshakeable faith will tell me that I simply do not know what faith is; for
what is so great about keeping the faith when they going looks good or better
than what it had? I quite honestly do not have any response to that.
I don’t know whether faith can move mountains and I don’t
even want to move mountains any more; moving around in the mountains one day and with happiness would be a miracle
enough. And I can’t help but hope that keeping the faith as one walks on
through the maze of fate allows one to fulfill one’s purpose that one has set
for oneself.
