I spent three and a half hours splashing about in the sea, showing all my pearly whites every now and then and trotting along a beach and through the waves, and drawing and writing gigantic words on the sand with a staff that got washed onto the beach right near my feet and I pretended to be a woman Moses but the sea did not part and so I just kept looking away at the sea and the sky and I could almost see words (I did in my mind) and images and was reminded most awfully of the utterly unexpected holiday at Pondicherry from the previous month and some songs too and words as well and even rather distant dreams. God knows why some songs keep following me around and from where they suddenly spring a well of memories and even memories of what never really happened. There has been Nazia's 'Boom boom' and John Denver's 'Annie's Song' and there's Jack Johnson with 'Upside down'. For the last one the whole video keeps playing in my head and I feel a little or a lot like Curious George...well, I don't quite feel like a monkey but I do feel like Curious George. Here's the video of the song - below:
14 March 2017
14th February 2017
Hullo, It’s over a month that I’ve been away from my domicile state. I’m officially in Andhra Pradesh – and I realize as I’m writing this that this is the first time that I’m visiting this state in all my 41 years. I was in Madras for a bit and then in Bangalore. There was a trip to Vellore which we cancelled. But the project on Young (and Old) Biologists in India is coming to an end. I find myself even hoping sometimes – that it blooms.
Away for a month from my usual moorings doesn’t make me feel any different as a person. For better or worse, I see the same thoughts and same images in my head, talk to Fimh when I do, worry when I do about old worries, smile a rather toothy smile when I do about the identical reasons, pray for, rant about and wonder about the same things that I usually do. Come to think of it – wasn’t I the same when I was 10,000 miles west? I’m not sure whether that makes me bizarre or boring. The only difference here is that I take a bus to work at the same time every morning and I probably smoke a little less, since there is this draconian no-smoking policy in almost all campuses and guest houses and so forth.
The places that I have been staying at in the South of India feel very different from the plains of the North-ish and East. Not so much in terms of geography or the spread of the land or the colours. But in terms of culture and language and the people – the regions strike me to be as being remarkably different. I feel guilty for feeling thus – but I feel like an outsider. Every day as I travel by bus and when I look out and observe people and signs and the hustle and bustle of this town which is famous for its temple – I am quite perplexed by my own emotion. Objectively speaking, the people don’t look that different, on an average, from the people of West Bengal. I thought they did. I was sure they did. But one day I told myself on the bus to pretend that I was traveling through some districts of West Bengal and while the emotional side of me told me that I was an idiot for even trying to pretend – one part of me observed. Not the language on the billboards or the flexboards and signs on the shops – but just the people. I was less sure of the absolute difference. And what about the people of Sri Lanka? That part of my head said. Do they look very different from Indians? The only discernible difference among the people that I can actually notice without bias is that many women go about their daily days with flowers in their hair and many of the men sport very big, almost handlebar moustaches. But it’s the language – whispers a very diffident part of me. The language sounds very different.
The language does sound different to the ears – true. The majority in Madras speaks Tamil and here in Tirupati, the majority speaks Telugu. The language barrier is probably what makes me feel like an alien. Hindi is really a no-no. By this time, I feel as though I could carry on a medium-length conversation in Hindi – given the options. One is more likely to be understood if one speaks English or very-broken-English. The head bob that Desmond Morris spoke about in his BBC documentary on body language is very popular here – far more than in the East is my guess. As far as I have noticed – the head bob is almost conspicuous in its absence in Delhi and its surrounding areas. But the meaning of the head bob is not always clear.
On the first night when I took a taxi to a guest house in the IIT campus at Madras – the taxi driver gave me a smile and a vigorous head bob when I asked him whether he knew where the guest house was and he led me to his taxi. In the middle of the ride he suddenly spoke a sudden string of sentences and I had no real clue as to what he was saying. He might have been asking me where I was from or speaking about the weather. I knew after a bit that he had no clue of where I wanted to go. I spoke from my end repeating the address and he didn’t know what I was saying but he was vigorously doing his head bob. He didn’t seem in the slightest bit perturbed as he kept driving at a healthy almost speedy pace to God-knows-where. I wanted to ask him where he was going. Finally I managed to get him to stop the taxi and I asked a policeman. The policeman, listened to and nodded at me in a deadpan way (which is probably the universal code for policemen) and gave the taxi driver the directions. I sat in the back not knowing what was being said when the policeman breaking the universal code for policemen waved me off with a smile and the head bob. I asked the driver in an absurd mix of Hindi and English whether he now knew where we were going. He half turned around and gave me a smile along with the head bob. This time he did know where to go and we reached the campus and the guest house. I think I have now almost picked up a permanent head bob.
Many college and university campuses in India are all becoming no-smoking or have been for decades and I have not known about it. Even smoking in public spaces is frowned upon. It would have been marvelous had we shown the same religiosity regarding cleanliness in our public surroundings, maintaining road rules (having some enforceable laws in the first place might have been a good idea) and really dealing with and taking care of the hungry, diseased, injured and often emaciated stray animals. Those are just three things I can think of right now. For a day and a half I went about smoking on the IIT campus and thought it distinctly strange that not only was I the only person to be doing so but that there was not a sign of even one random cigarette butt anywhere. Nobody said anything and so I went about my business. Finally one afternoon while I was running out of one appointment to go to another and I was taking a few hasty puffs – a student stopped me on the road and informed me that the entire campus was no smoking. And that campus gate was at least two miles away.
The Saturday that I was there in Chennai, I felt an overwhelming urge to visit the beach. The interviews were done. I had got my workshop proposal in. I was leaving early on Sunday morning. “We can go to the beach!” – so Fimh said. But I didn’t go to the beach. Between then and now there has been the trip to Bangalore apart from this stint at Tirupati. I think I prefer Bangalore to Tirupati – in terms of distant-places-where-I-do-not-stay….which is odd because normally I prefer towns to cities. But then again – this whole work trip seems very odd. There might be a real holiday trip to Pondicherry – but I don’t know for sure, as yet. I have an interesting view out of the window from the guest-house here in the evenings and early mornings. I can see gentle, rolling hills in the distance and the open expanse of the sky is full of stars and there’s one very bright star in the midst. I am sure of this. Tata for now.
2 November 2016
The year for me seems to have travelled from September 2015 to September 2016. Given the way my mind works – that doesn’t seem off or abnormal but it does seem queer even to me that the mind can create odd realities of its own. Or does it? The past month feels like it has been an interim period. It feels like it was a this-worldly bardo during Durga Pujo: a period of introspecting, looking back, understanding or trying to understand; a period of looking at what I did wrong or what I can do right in the coming round, reconnoitering the possibilities out-there and a period of praying for a mind expansion which makes the universe conspire to work with me. I can’t say that this bardo has been as grand as the one in winter 2010-2011 before it blew up partly in my face or the one in winter-spring 2002 that turned out to be a dream within greyness and opened into a golden experience by Fall or a couple of other ones…; of course all my past bardos, I can see led to one final point of realisation. This was a particularly non-hallucinating bardo for the most part with a few streaks of unmistakable colour and very quiet bits of insight in between the lonely pits and dungeons. But I was expecting the state back in the middle of the year, so this time, at least, I can’t say it was unexpected.
I have no 5 minute miracle wand. Deluded or not – I am convinced I have my failsafe guide. What is to be? The old year feels like it is over. I have memories I cherish – a few of which I even wrote about on the blog – ones that I wouldn’t give up, including a burst of workshops in Spring, warm conversations in the external world, which made me feel that all was becoming right in my world and even while the scratching fingers, inside my mind, showed me an empty expanse in terms of workshops for the future months. My scratching fingers are not always right in predicting gloomy futures but in this one they were right, which doesn’t make me feel any better. I had been travelling a fair bit through the year but that simmered down when the organisation with which I work on projects started going through changes of its own. But there were still times of delight post Spring and despite the scratchy fingers too which made me believe that maybe I wasn’t born to endless night – some of those times now feel like they happened to somebody else.
In the age of the internet, it is true that one will find an answer to any question that one might type into the google box or about a topic of interest. Pupu said, among other things, that there’s a movie liner which says, ‘you can find anything from how to make a baby to how to make a bomb, on-line’. Whether the answer is likely to satisfy one or makes sense or proves to be useful in some form or manner is another question. I would be the last person to be against the internet, email, blogger and even youtube, for which I have my own reasons. On the other hand, I am quite firmly with the Dalai Lama on the fact that we have more and more marvelous means of communication but have nothing meaningful to communicate. Where there is meaningful communication, however, the internet has been a boon for the likes of me who neither have the ability to go gaga over every new bit of technology for communication that comes into town nor wish to go back to the time of carrier pigeons. I remember a few of the scenes from the film ‘Mona Lisa Smile’; one of them being a young woman who is desperately trying to be happy by showing off her husband’s novel purchases of which she is the proud owner – a washing machine and dryer. Now it has become phones, apps, the social media…and more and more gadgets and selfies.
The only reason I catapulted and bought a smartphone this year was because my best friend first coaxed me, goaded me and then when I still gave excuses and reasons – he threatened to buy me one. It is a useful gadget certainly; it helps me find the way through this city to places I have never been and it has helped me earlier on in the year to get to places in unfamiliar cities for appointments or meetings. It helped me book an Ola cab too, in July, on one marvellous morning. A week ago, I told somebody that she could check the projected fare ride for Ola on her phone and she called me ‘tech savvy’! I even bought and got an A/C fixed this year. I sometimes look at it happily, being reminded of some particularly fine memories or sometimes glare at it – poor thing – while grumbling (and for an utterly bizarre reason).
I have never been a Marxist and I’m almost grinning as I write this but my point is that with my views well and truly beaten and tempered, I can well see that there is nothing inherently bad or wrong in technology or in making money or even shopping for material items or discarding old technologies for the new but it goes back to why one is involved in the same. I don’t think my views about this nugget have changed in the last 14 years. But Fimh says a ‘haha’ to me and I have to shake my head for I am reminded of my batty beliefs from some years ago: imagining that the knowledge of the presence of the reality of thought-communion at a worldwide scale would usher in a new age of consciousness.
I have been on the net more often over these last couple of months and especially during the long Pujo break, thanks to Suvro da who insisted I get broadband cable instead of using a ‘silly’ dongle. And it’s not been a waste at all, I think, despite my inner and often adamant railings and even plain mute wonderings against and about the obsession over technological marvels in our present-day world. I even managed to have two consecutive Skype chats and not with my imaginary friend for one thing – and all because I got broadband cable. Normally, I was reflecting, my net habits had stayed more or less the same (with all factors remaining constant? – which they didn’t) through a decade. Along with my daily ritual and sometimes regular and sometimes not-regular communication over the net, I watched movies and read on-line in the US when I could afford to and now I have watched some TV series, longish youtube videos, read all kinds of stuff on self, creativity, sexuality, mindfulness, memory, meditation, self-hypnosis, karma, past-life regression and stock market trading, and I got hooked onto yoga and pilates all over again via some youtube videos and stuck to a daily mixed ritual of my own. The yoga has not done the good like it did in expanding my mind one Spring quite some Springs ago and all of a sudden when I needed it badly. It even led to receiving a clear sign from the external world. Back then I practiced from what is called a book and had attended a few classes with a matter-of-fact teacher who told me that I should practice on my own and she told me quite firmly that I didn’t need to come to the class. This time, I’m hoping that the yoga is at least benefitting my body if in some invisible way but the mind expansion and the ‘lighter feeling of being’ that I was looking for and even looking forward to have not transpired as yet – sadly enough. But then I did still receive the sign - so there's something to smile widely over, for now!
I have been thinking too, recently, that by certain individuals, people and communities I would be seen as a crackpot or an insane woman or at best sick or obsessed or useless. Strangely enough, I don’t think I had ever processed this bit. I have certainly been called all those things at various points in my life, and not always without reason and not always by people I don’t care about (Come to think of it, in an earlier age I might have even be seen as a witch, I guess, which seems more interesting in a way; I certainly have some of the right attributes for being branded as one!) But I would not argue against the names or the same because the individual calling me the same has not always been wrong. I have not been entirely right – which would have made me a marvelous messiah, of sorts, by now, or at least, gloriously successful by worldly standards or something else. The years I have gone through across the past 20 years weren’t always productive and they haven’t always been beautiful and enchanting and while I am sure that I have gathered riches beyond compare – from worldly standards, I do come across as rather poor and/or abnormal…
Before I start counting or recounting my experiences here – let me move over to a few other matters. While practicing some very good yoga videos, I noticed with a wry raise of an eyebrow and an inner grumbling that all the best yoga videos are made by North Americans. Why is that? Also, I noticed that for every general self-help video or random article which supports a point of view – there is always another which espouses the opposite. The opposed voices on the net do not all come from the same source, and they don’t belong to one who takes count of the ‘fluid many-sided nature of reality’, and so I wasn’t expecting any miracles. But I wanted to see what was out-there, for multiple reasons. If someone is talking about the importance of clear goals, another person will say that it’s not goals but the ‘systems’ (process) which are (is) important. For someone who says ‘follow your passion’, someone else will say ‘find something to do which is socially worthwhile’ or ‘find your market’ or ‘create a demand’. If someone says ‘you are what you think’, there will be someone who says, ‘you are not your thoughts’. For someone who says, you are powerful and can accomplish anything you set your mind to, there will be a cautionary voice piping in saying you must accept certain conditions for what they are, and a voice of some psychiatrist saying that to think that you are powerful and to believe that you can do something great could actually mean you have bi-polar disorder. For the very reasonable voice which says, ‘do not let anyone else define who you are’, there will be voices in unison saying that success, happiness and bliss can never be experienced alone. For someone who sings, that there is always visible beauty and love around us in the external everyday world, there will be someone – meaning my own self saying ‘gah’. For someone who says ‘stick on’ because that’s the only way to accomplish something even if things don’t work the way you want or wish them to, there will be yet another reasonable voice saying that there is nothing good about a flat period of rejection and failure – so, ‘move on’. For someone who says let go of all desires, there will be someone who says that desires – all desires – make us human while The Buddha's voice rings around my ears with his, ‘desire leads to suffering’ and my Fimh, many years ago, pointed out to me that the very 'root of life is in desire'. For a Dumbledore who says, “Of course it’s happening in your head, but why on earth should that mean it’s not real?’ – but let me stop right there.
I could go on with the list of opposed ideas that I have found on the net just across the last month and more, and it can be confusing – even if they don’t necessarily sound wrong or absurd or silly all the time. It reminded me of Eliot’s bit on the wisdom we have lost in knowledge and the knowledge we have lost in information and that was quite some time ago. It also provided me with objective proof that I’m certainly not ‘la-la, gushy-mushy’ biased when I am biased or ‘obsessed’. Personally, I think while remembering what one has read and/or heard or seen and felt – one has to judge the context of where one is placed, look at one’s own experiences, examine one’s own motives and consider the significance of what one is intent on achieving and pray a prayer. I have never seen anything noble or glorious about being a failure. From the perspective of plain reason, I can quietly accept that the joys, delight, bliss, adventure and perfect experiences that life potentially offers will not be granted to a single human life (maybe that’s why imagination and the inner world become over-active and one’s Fimh speaks?) and maybe many questions are answered in the hereafter and many unspoken of joys are experienced there too – but the intention in this world is to win in some crucial rounds and on very clear grounds, after beating certain odds which seem unfathomable and inscrutable. To me, it almost feels sometimes as though God is playing a bizarre prank – but then I cannot believe that God would play a malicious prank…
Occasionally, I find myself loudly arguing over Shakespeare’s bit about nothing being good or bad – only thinking makes it so. Yet Rumi’s line about meeting in a field beyond ideas of rightdoing and wrongdoing also strikes a chord somewhere deep down.
22 May 2016
I sometimes am compelled to wonder over some matters of life, which cannot be understood or explained by reason. That could be a long list because life as whole on this planet, life-chances, the experience of living life, happenings and incidents and accidents, encounters, feelings, responses and interpretations do not work like gravity, lunar and solar eclipses or because of some immediate, observable cause and effect relationship. I remember from many years ago, when I was once wondering about reason, my best friend had shot off the quote to me about reason being like a drunk on horseback; you prop him up from one side and he slips off the other. Maybe if human civilization flourishes – human beings will one day, with more conscious and co-operative intent explore and find other ways to tap into the great mysteries of the mind, world, life and the beyond. In my early twenties, I never got consistent, unequivocal answers for all that which lies beyond reason or out of the boundaries of reason. I was instead propelled into another direction and one which was very much in-this-world, for the most part. This allowed me to let some of those other matters alone. ‘Those other matters’ do not refer only to spirits, the supernatural and suchlike. I explored those matters as well, at 21. But before I start scratching my head over all the uncanny, inexplicable or humorous (if seen from one angle, I think) shots from life, let me write about the matters of faith, meaning, purpose and fate that have returned to my head.
I can’t say how old I was exactly when I first felt that beyond the general meaninglessness of everydayness, life has a meaning and where one’s purpose is attached to that meaning. I felt this in a general way but more so, in a very individualized way. I had doubts too – for what really explained why people were born where they were? Across the past decade and more – I see meaning, purpose and sense criss-crossing. But without karma, I cannot see how the other three factors can criss-cross.
Through my school years, I did not even know what karma was. But I could see that girls who came from similar backgrounds – did not turn out to be very similar in terms of thoughts, views, intelligence, likes, dislikes, sensitivity and what they considered to be important. Two, maybe, at a stretch, three stood out sharply in their reading habits, levels of intelligence, memory, powers of articulation, levels of General Knowledge and awareness of current affairs. They were also the ones who used to top the examinations. One girl could sing outstandingly well, another was excellent at track and field competitions, a couple of girls could sketch and paint very well. Then there were girls who had remarkable memories for remembering almost every line in the textbooks and they scored very high marks but that was about all they did. I fell in none of the categories. I am very much aware of what intelligence looks like, enjoy reading about it and I am still interested in the exceptional human mind but that is as far as I shall speak on the subject. On the other hand, I didn’t care two hoots about marks. I was oblivious to it to the point of idiocy. I felt fine when I got high marks and I wasn’t particularly happy about failing in various subjects – but I could never equate life as being the summation of marks. I didn’t see anything wrong about what I felt. If anything, across the last two decades of my life – I actually feel vindicated in being an idiot about this. On the other hand, I used to feel delighted to the point of idiocy when we won in basketball or kho-kho or we won some inter-class prize for the best one-act play or received an ovation even if we didn’t always win the prize. I’m not really sure how to explain this. I have mulishly stayed away from anything group-related for ages unless I’m planning or conducting different group games and team activities for the workshops, which I enjoy doing.
The matter of making choices in life and what influences the choices we make could fill a library. But at a basic level, the way I have understood it – choice-making often depends upon the choices that are available, visible and one’s awareness of what is out-there. Secondly, it depends upon whether one sees oneself as being capable or having an ability or some value in a particular area. The third is abiding interest. This very basic combination often directs and drives one towards building a life of meaning and purpose. The fourth which relates to one’s character – with its eccentricities and personality – is a combination of perseverance, tenacity and belief. The fifth and sixth are serendipity and faith. The seventh, I would say is Karma. From another angle, if one considers the ‘compartments’ of life – one can see that life falls into the compartments of work, relationships, inner-world and hobbies/interests.
I know that even if one chances upon the meaning of one’s life in however a fuzzy or plain barmy way early on by one’s early twenties – things don’t become beautiful overnight and stay that way ever after. But there is a break. There is a distinct before and after moment that one can clearly point out to: when life began to make sense. One might then consider oneself to be the luckiest and most blessed person alive until the matter of actually living out one’s purpose turns out to be a far more jumbled and muddled affair than one could have imagined. There are rapid ups and downs, plateaus, grey lonely flatlands and distant peaks covered in mist. As one proceeds along the path with the bursts of meaning, one sees that the meaning of life leads to more questions for which one doesn’t have answers. But, I have found out time and time again that if one holds on and stays true to one’s course, the meaning, sense and the answers to various kinds of questions that perplex one are revealed in layers if not in a linear manner.
One cannot always control the outcomes or correctly predict as to what will happen even when one is on course and consciously knows one is on course. The outcomes along the path are good, bad, beastly and beautiful. I never advocate abandoning reason. A lot of life is based upon the principle of reason. Yet the bad, meaningless, dragging and horrid patches or their opposite – the delight, radiant patches, beauty and the best experiences which make life worth living cannot be explained by reason alone.
The process related to finding one’s meaning and staying on course towards one’s purpose is most likely different for different human beings. I do know that by finding and being anchored to one’s meaning and purpose in life, one is unimaginably better off than one would have been otherwise. It might not be anybody’s else’s meaning and it might not seem very reasonable to believe in it but to find one’s meaning and purpose are practically the first steps towards conscious living. It is not that finding one’s meaning makes living pain-free. But the meaning is not something that I would trade for any pain-free existence. And the strange thing about meaning and purpose is that as life goes on, there are often layers that are revealed. One can feel when one is on the path, and keenly, and more than once why the Buddha left the world with his four Noble Truths even when one tries to rail against it. One is then reminded of writings and conversations (which make one wonder and keep the faith) although one has forgotten almost all of what one had read for decades in college and university courses.
All that said, maintaining faith and ‘moving on’ is something I have been a colossal failure at during certain periods and points in my life. But I have been resolute about maintaining my faith in one aspect even when I couldn’t move on. By my mid-thirties, I was donkey enough to believe that I had passed my final test on the matter of faith. As far as my experience goes, it’s easier to keep the faith when the path is not as dark and grey as the path from years and moments which one can remember at will. Indeed when there is a particular hurdle crossed or a mini work-mission accomplished or when one knows one hasn’t been abandoned – one’s faith is rekindled. People of unshakeable faith will tell me that I simply do not know what faith is; for what is so great about keeping the faith when they going looks good or better than what it had? I quite honestly do not have any response to that.
I don’t know whether faith can move mountains and I don’t even want to move mountains any more; moving around in the mountains one day and with happiness would be a miracle enough. And I can’t help but hope that keeping the faith as one walks on through the maze of fate allows one to fulfill one’s purpose that one has set for oneself.
25 February 2016
Life is strange, and it’s strange and unpredictable in an unpredictable and beautiful way not too often – but it does happen, and one can cherish the same and hold that life very close. I'm looking about my room as I write.
Spring arrived over the days leading to the weekend of Saraswati Pujo, which still comes across like bits from a dream.
I was wondering a bit about things from the past.
- Every Spring, and barring a few years, since the time I was 21 and then 22 I used to feel a weird, abnormal and unreal surge of the absolute promise of life making absolute sense. There was, during those periods, a lot of activity within the mind, strange connections formed from God-knows-where, a tumult of ideas would incessantly explode in the mind and within whatever it is that I happen to be and I used to feel that I had chanced upon the meaning of being human and experienced a profound love. I’d merrily or not so merrily gabble with Fimh in unbroken conversations which spanned days and nights till my inevitable plummet. Much of it was most likely the firings of a lonely and abnormal mind which probably created a reality of its own and could not distinguish between the real and the forking paths of fantasy and the imagination; I can’t say that I really know for sure whether God and Lucifer get together for a tête-à-tête when either God or maybe even Lucifer is feeling lonely. But all of it was not a delusion – so I feel and two decades down the line.
- While putting together batches of power point slides, I’ve been reminded again of my one and only video-making experience almost exactly a couple of years ago with The Beatles song ‘Here comes the sun’…there wasn’t much sun that year.
- For ten years when I was staying in the West I had two hobbies, which built into three once I had enough savings and very quickly (which didn’t matter much later because the savings didn’t fulfill the purpose for which it was being saved even though it did come to my use). Reading books from the school and public libraries, going to the river and then buying books by the dozen. I know I didn’t read enough or read anywhere as much as somebody else but I did read a bit and forgot a lot of what I read. I considered this recently and in my objective manner: I don’t miss anything from the past in terms of material items and places and things but sometimes I absent-mindedly go to search for a book in the evening or am reminded of a book which I think is on the shelf – and it isn’t. Then I grin for I am reminded that when many girls and boys, women and men around me were spending money on gadgets, clothes, shoes, cosmetics and stuff of that order – I had, if even once in a while, felt an indescribable and even smug delight for buying books. I used to survey my four shelves and would feel like a collector and a surrogate-keeper of books; books which I had collected and books which I was safe-keeping until they were posted or delivered some time with smiles on both sides. I couldn’t get any of the books back with me. All my bitty savings would have been spent on shipping the four shelves of books.
- Visiting the river was another thing I did through the ten years. On some random eves, I almost miss water bodies in this city, where I can go and sit. In this regard and in no other I think I am a little like Thoreau. I would like a pond of my own. Once every couple of months, I even think of buying a little zen water fountain. I could go and visit the holy river but that seems too much of a detour and I tell myself that it’s much too far away and that that same amount of time could be spent on activities which can bear fruit and blossom before too late. The famous lake is fairly close but one unfortunate evening, a pack of dogs decided to take offense at me (or maybe they were barking happily on seeing me but I rather doubt it) and I know I moved faster than the dogs. I can’t remember whether it was the last year or the year before. I ran faster than a dog when I was a little over 8 years old and on two occasions, and even if I didn’t break out into a sprint three decades later – I moved fast. Maybe I really should have trained for that Olympic 100 metres gold medal? But 'with all factors remaining constant', I’d have still aimed at doing these workshops though after winning that gold...I did sit near a spot of water on a smooth stump of a tree, about a week ago. A gardener gently chided me when I sat there on Monday late afternoon for a wee bit while chomping on a chicken butter fry and having absolutely divine memories and rather inexplicable memories run through my head and even ghostly memories, and the gardener didn’t seem too terribly displeased when I told him that I wouldn’t disrupt his plants and small trees.
- This article, which Suvro da sent me to read some weeks ago made me write a long and rather rambling essay. I won’t go through the points about jargon and atomization here. But to take some points: I was reminded how intensely and miserably I had started questioning the value of the social sciences or the humanities myself and for the second time in my life, about ten years ago. I found my lost compass and anchor when and where I did.The problem, I used to think when I was in academe myself, is that a majority of formal social scientists seem to think that talking about values or morals or too much talk about inculcating or nurturing meaningful values is non-scientific. And that is also because I think that not too many people have very clear ideas themselves about what their own values are or why. The last time a social psychologist actually talked of self-transcendence or self-actualization or self and identity as complex wholes was in the early 20th century. After that a majority of social psychologists in the latter parts of the 20th and through the 21st century decided that those were not matters that deserved attention and that it was on the whole all airy-fairy stuff or non-measurable and therefore unimportant. It was far more important to study the significance between childhood obesity and self-esteem or conduct an nth study on some aspect of race or gender or class (something that Dr. Cole mentions too in his article). Dr. Cole in his article doesn’t come out clearly and say exactly why and how the humanities are useful to individuals. Personally, I think the social sciences and humanities share a similarity in their essence. First, they do not teach one how to fix a broken appliance or to build a bridge or send a rocket to space or to produce HYV seeds or to find the causes of diseases in humans or animals or to build a gadget that can detect gravitational waves from more than a billion years ago or to understand how nature, sentient and non-sentient life-forms work at a scientific level. Secondly, they do not and are not in a position to propose laws about humans or about nature (even in the sciences for that matter, Darwin’s contribution is known still as a theory – while Newton’s Law still holds good unless we enter the realm of sub-atomic particles and I should be the last person to enter that scientific territory). Thirdly, to state what the humanities and social sciences do and borrowing from Schumacher’s distinction between convergent and divergent issues – the way I see it, the humanities and social sciences deal with divergent issues. Here, no quick fixes are available. Applied science can tell us how to make a gun or a bomb – it does not tell us whether and when we should use either. Science can tell us how cancer or a particular disease spreads. It tells us how to treat a disease. It does not say much on how we must and should take care of individuals carrying a disease (or why some diseases and the individuals carrying the abnormalities are stigmatized). Applied science can tell us how to build dams and different kinds of dams and generate hydro-electric power – it stays quiet for the most part about matters concerning human relocation and the means of recompensing those who are asked to leave their homes and land. Applied science can even tell us the most efficient way to kill a human or an animal – but does it have much to say about the moral act of killing? Applied science can help us devise faster and more efficient ways of travelling and communicating – it has very little to say on how faster and more efficient leads to more substance and meaning or genuine feelings being generated. Applied science can come up with various gadgets that make housework and other chores physically less demanding – does it have much to say about what I should do with the extra time that I now have? That is where the humanities and the social sciences matter or should matter. There are more reasons of course. Far more than I have listed and individuals of a different and much higher order have elaborated and written and talked about the importance of the sciences, humanities and the social sciences and what matter in the ‘making of genuine civilizations’. And when I think of these disciplines mattering – I cannot help but think of the truly great and it’s not PhDs and certificates which make for the truly great.
- I was looking at one random diary from 1996 and I was very unimpressed with my range of thoughts and expression. Much of it is boring. But I found a couple of humorous bits with one letter/diary entry addressed to no other than God and where I tried to wheedle Him into granting me a favour. The first of them is right after the First Paper in Sociology of the Part I examinations (incidentally I got the University highest in that paper, which had one topic dealing with ‘human freedom and determinism’) where I’d been bellowing about a miserable exam-taking experience, “…[I couldn’t] even remember the words I wanted to use or remember! My mind was just enveloped in a dense fog (now that bit does sound familiar still, sadly enough) and I was struggling with things that I never had to worry about before. What’s the use of going on like this? Oh heck! How does it matter anymore? – Why did it have to happen now? – all I wanted to do was to get through one more [exam] and then another and another, I guess. And then what? – Get a great job, a fat paycheque, a car and my dream-house. That’s all. I don’t want anything else from life. Dammit! If only there was one single thing where I could be the best. Perhaps there is – only problem is that I’ve got to find it. Cheerlessly yours…”
- It’s odd which memories are preserved. Last week I was reminded of the bits that I actually remember from Aranyak and one bit is where Satyacharan raises the question of improvement versus happiness. Unnati could mean self-improvement or possibly success. Satyacharan is quite clear about what he thinks matters more. He says it’s always happiness that should matter. People who obsess too much about improvement lose their way, become blunt and forget to be happy. He’s talking of course of people who are motivated by purely material indicators of success as ends in themselves. But it got me thinking of another connection. I’ve felt that if one can improve oneself so as to make another individual happy then one might chance upon and discover an incomparable happiness and even bliss. It sort of feels like chasing the golden deer...
26 December 2015
And so it’s Christmas eve’. I got a project for early on in the coming year, a Christmas card and a conversation on Christmas eve’ while having a Christmas carol playing softly from the card.
Winter came around with military precision on the 15th of December and it was delicious and I was delighted to see one of my predictions coming true and also because I was with my best friend. I spent some time shivering in Delhi and Faridabad. By God, I was cold out there apart from when I was inside the warm and toasty hotel late in the night or next to the warm and toasty heater in Delhi. The hotels – nice as they might be don’t impress me as much as the bathrooms do. The bathrooms – all sparkling and snazzy with glass and chrome and stainless steel and cleanly tiled and with huge square shower heads in glass shower cubicles which make one feel as though one were standing under the warm rain make me sometimes wish wistfully and sometimes with a matter-of-fact determination that I might have a perfect bathroom in an apartment someday. People are fascinated by different kinds of gadgets and machines – for me, I think, it is the pedestrian bathroom and even sewage systems. Back in primary school I was enthralled by the fact that people in the Mohenjo Daro civilization had well planned sewage systems and had bathrooms which drained well and were designed such that they were slightly sloped at an angle towards the drain. I used to wonder then about quite a few 20th century bathrooms designed in colony flats that frequently got waterlogged and were designed so that the floor tilted away from the drain. I don’t have any engineering ability but I’m almost sure that in some lifetime I might have pored over designs and charts and spent time on creating the perfect sewage system.
The main work-related science conference for which I went was held in a huge hall and various auditoriums and I was shivering every now and then even there unless I was busy in focused and concentrated shifts. The RCB and THSTI at Faridabad are set in the middle of a large expanse of land and new buildings are coming up, including apartment buildings for professors and hostels for students and new labs while there are functioning buildings where the current scientists have their labs and office spaces. The land around looks very barren and dry with hardly any greenery. One of the professors was showing me the view from a fifth floor window and a part of the campus looks like it has a huge ravine running straight through it. The labs, which I peeked into can compare to the ones I saw in Purdue (although the problems here are of a different order). I remember going into a Chemistry lab once during my days in college at Calcutta – and that could hardly be called a laboratory. I don’t think anyone had used that lab since 1922. Lots of people at the conference were dressed in just full-sleeve shirts and half-sleeve sweaters. I was a good old Bangali with my trusty monkey cap and a hoodie while travelling around in the open. I was almost missing my muffler. I think I may have grown very old for I did note that more than a few people were dressed in dapper or chic light jackets and braving the winter chill in the open as though it were nothing. The only time I was walking about in an almost-new blazer was for work reasons. The blazer cannot be worn in Calcutta because it’s too warm here and yet over there it felt too light. In the last couple of weeks, I’ve travelled more than I had in my decade-long stint in the US. Many people might not think that this is something to talk about – but I can’t help but feel a wee bit pleased with my rather uncommunicative hermit-self. I quite often question whether my hermit-self is even particularly intelligent. It just seems to be a tongue-tied, mind-knotted hermit crab. God knows though that there is only one reason that the hermit in me has been transformed across the one and a half year and my awkward and clumsy selves have been traveling quite smartly almost every month or every other month for work and for hunting for more work. The calculative part of me has been hoping and praying hard that the work-related travels and networking shall start paying bountiful returns in terms of numerous workshops by the coming year. In this sense, I have been hopeless at practicing the Gita tenet of ‘ma phaleshu kadachana’. I put that into practice for my PhD without even thinking about it. For long months during the last lap I had forgotten even to worry about whether I would get the degree at the end of the journey…but that is a different matter. They don’t call it a Doctorate of Philosophy for no reason even if the meaning has gotten mangled in actual practice in our 'modern' times.
While I was walking about the very crowded Delhi airport yesterday evening, Fimh was trying to get me to grin – ‘look at how many places you’ve gone hither and thither without losing your marbles and look at all the people you’ve talked with over the last couple of weeks for work or for prospective work without losing your top and with your White Light at the back of your mind (that was in reference to MacNeice’s Prayer before Birth…that’s how Fimh is: he doesn’t rattle off poem liners in my head – which would have been weird – but he reminds me of poems I have encountered) and you didn’t even get me irritated’. He was telling me that I was slowly but surely evolving into a human being while I was grumbling that I was taking far too long. I normally experience a child-like thrill at airports and also start experiencing something of a ‘vacant and pensive mood’ while staring at the aeroplanes and gazing at the runway and the vast and empty spaces beyond while playing two particular tracks on my battered i-pod: Ravi Shankar and Philip Glass’ Offering and Kishore’s O Saathi re while calling out to Fimh. But yesterday it was too crammed at the airport for my meditative moments. I played my songs later while on the bus to the aeroplane. At the airport I grimly kept giving myself glares over my coffee and cigarette about whether any of my travels would make a difference and whether I could make a significant difference and be of use to one human being. I was asking myself when I would make that happen. I was barking at myself inside my head but Fimh wouldn’t let me feel grumpy for too long. He reminded me that I’d been in Calcutta, went to Mohanpur for a couple of days for work, was back in Calcutta to attend a workshop as a ‘spy’, was back in Mohanpur, and then there were a few delightful and swinging days in between (when I wasn’t expecting them at all: whoever knew that the difference amongst a lotion and a moisturizer and a face cream could send one into unmusical peals of laughter and there were more moments that I will not elaborate upon here), then it was back to Mohanpur via Calcutta, and then I went to Delhi and Faridabad for work. There have been leads – but I won’t try making any predictions even though I can’t help but pray that a few of the leads mature into actual workshops: the one thing that I know I’m good at and can get better at doing and enjoy doing. I know I’ll keep trying to better myself in a few other ways too even though I’ll never try singing again (I fancy myself to be a mix of a phoenix and a dodo – I don’t think that such a creature is meant to sing).
This was my very first time staying in Delhi for longer than half-a-day and the first time that I actually travelled in the city (apart from the couple of times that I visited Delhi as a school-child and then as a teen for a couple of days and then as an oldie for a wedding and for a couple of other times because my international flight was delayed by a day on both occasions). I travelled around using the public transport system. I must say that they have done an excellent job of the metro service from what I experienced of it. I had no problems traveling through and about the city. I was telling Pupu very recently with a chuckle of how 'smartly' I took the metro service to Faridabad. I even got a place to sit and read careful bits from the only Modesty Blaise paperback novel that I hadn’t read this year. I found it at a bookshop in Delhi for Rs. 250. Now the entire Modesty Blaise collection is complete. I’ve been collecting the Dune series on the cheap too but for some strange reason I seem to be able to gather the books only in backward sequence. I didn’t know when I boarded the metro that they had two reserved coaches for women but got to know about that through the voice-over service. The folks organizing the conference had sent a car to pick me up from the Metro Station and so I didn’t have to use the public transport in Faridabad. I also availed the auto service a few times, in Delhi, for appointments and from the little bits I saw and experienced – the men I encountered were decent, polite and helpful. But I wouldn’t want to push my luck. It may be beginner’s luck. The cab I took from the airport had a very clear sticker about respecting women (and I was wondering about ‘which’ women and whether I would qualify) and I saw official posters ‘beti bachaon; beti parao’ emblazoned on the walls in public places. We don’t have such messages in Calcutta – it most likely means that on an average, a female foetus has a better chance of making a life in West Bengal. The scaredy-cat part of me (which I keep deeply buried) did feel the faint jitters about going around in Delhi before I’d reached the Capital (but that part emerges in Calcutta during late evenings and emerged even in Lafayette too one year and so I try very hard not to pay too much attention to it. If I’ve gotten a bit better at handling blind panic and frenzy – I know exactly whom I have to thank for this. The roads in Delhi are horribly crowded with traffic but it seems that people are still sticking to the rule of the odd/even numbered cars ploughing the roads on alternate days; I don’t know how long that will last and I guess it doesn’t affect people who have three or four cars.
I found out with my brief travels through the city that some of the stray dogs are treated well by the small shop owners in Delhi. The stray dogs look very well-fed and quite a few of them had little blankies/vests wrapped around them in a sturdy manner to protect them from the weather. There was one black and white dog who sported a blue vest who caught my attention and when I gave him almost half of my burger – he very carefully ate the chicken and came over to get petted and I petted him. I scolded him for leaving bits of the bun behind but he was rather unapologetic about that. When a dog butts one with his nose for more petting – one can’t really scold him for too long: maybe he knows that too many carbohydrates are bad for his system. He was limping some and I had mixed feelings about that but he kept nudging me to get some more petting. He seemed happy about the petting and I was content about petting him while talking aloud to him and to the universe and the powers-that-be and I was utterly unconcerned about who might be listening. Another fat dog sporting a smart red blankie, where I stayed, looked like a Spitz but was a mutt and all she wanted was to butt into me with her bum or nose and get some petting. If I called her ‘Pootu’ (I don’t think that was her name but that is how I christened her) – she would run/waddle over to me as though I were her favourite person. So I had a close to meditative time with the four-peds and it goes without saying with Fimh for the bits of time I had by myself. There was a pop social psychological quiz that I came across at some point, many years ago: what’s the first word that comes to your mind when you think of a dog? What’s the first word that comes to your mind when you think of a cat? Remember the words….The interpretations for the pop quiz shall be available in the future. For me the two words were quite apt in their hidden meaning: for dog, I had come up with ‘unpredictable’ and for cat I had come up with ‘solitary’.
I stayed in Delhi at Guha’s place. His parents were not there but their very able and good natured housekeeper reminded me of one of Suvro da’s laments! I figured out very soon that it was a very well-off locality in South Delhi. It also had clear side-walks as I found out during my first evening out to just walk about the place and get some print-outs. But the side-walks in Delhi left me wondering whether they were made for humans or horses. The sidewalks are really more than a foot high so it’s a feat to be able to get up onto them and then get off and then repeat the manouvere when the sidewalk ends in some places. And I was startled to find motorbikes going at fairly medium speeds up on the side-walk since the roads were so busy. I was not pleased at all and yelled a couple of times. But I manouvered the side-walks very safely even while wearing heels, one day, when I’d been out for a school appointment. I managed to meet and chat with one of Suvro da’s old students, Aakash, and he absolutely insisted on treating me to a tremendously tasty chicken patty and a perfect mince pie from Wenger’s in Delhi, which was established in 1926 – as far as I remember, from one sign. It was a good meeting where we discussed work prospects mainly. He actually remembered that I had fought with him over Shiva’s trilogy and Amish on Suvro da’s blog and told me that I was an ‘out-going’ person. I laughed about this wondering what Suvro da might say about that. I actually talked in Hindi in public places and I wasn’t too bad if I didn’t think about it too much or didn’t get frazzled. Nobody smirked when I talked in Hindi and they answered my questions and a few people even made a bit of small talk with me about the weather. I came across a very old Sikh driver, Balbir Singh, who philosophized about life. He mentioned that it was good to learn from other nations and adopt good habits – like road rules – which could make everybody’s lives a little less stressful and smoother. He said that every family of four to six members in Delhi should be allowed to have only one car. That might reduce pollution levels a bit. He mentioned that if one was cheery and tried being nice to other people for a moment – one wasn’t really harming anyone. He told me that human beings should smile a little more often. I do not know whether that was a direct comment directed towards my grim and watchful and unsmiling self – but he was a mix of a taciturn and a talkative driver and it was Guha’s sister who chatted with him and got him to talk and philosophize while we were out to the airport. If I were a true social scientist I would have asked him about 1984 for I had that going through my head in a distant way. I was quiet on the whole and thinking about different things.
Here's Part II.
Here's Part II.
I attended yet another full Science conference in Faridabad as a part of our work for our Institute’s current client in Bangalore. One scientist asked me later about my background because he felt that I had drawn him into answering questions where he hadn’t known the answers himself before he answered them. A few of the scientists asked me more about my PhD topic. In all my years with Sociology – I never attended any full conferences and across the last year and half I’ve attended more science conferences as a non-scientist and a non-academician than I did as a social scientist and an academician. I talked with more than a dozen of scientists for a current project and for future workshop plans. I can’t write about all of my observations and experiences – some parts, most likely, I think (and my client expects) will be a public report someday. I can mention one thing though which has nothing to do with the project itself – I am now sure that there is no common or general ‘Indian accent’ regarding the use of the English language in its spoken form. I have a couple of hilarious but not unkind stories but I shall store them for some other fine day. Anyhow, it’s about the underlying plans (for there were individuals from a few organizations who were very interested in the workshops which we conduct) for which I’m keeping my fingers crossed; well, unless I’m typing up stuff for work or brochures or content material or sending off e-mails or typing stuff like this.
With Christmas here I was wondering again about Jesus, joy, suffering, miracles and religion and Hinduism and how even Christ is sometimes (by maybe crazy people but nonetheless) included within our pantheon of Gods as an avatar of Vishnu. So not only have we incorporated The Buddha as an avatar of Vishnu but we’ve somehow managed to include Jesus as well. But truth be told when I was fairly young I used to wonder in an almost academic manner about the strange similarities between Jesus and Krishna – in their births being predicted, in their both being hounded by evil kings even before they were born, in the legends that surround their respective births. And yet sometimes I’m taken aback by the differences too among Krishna, The Buddha and Jesus and Shiva but that would end up being a whole new blogpost! But let me write a bit because I’m in the mood. Personally vis-a-vis Jesus I had a delightful, sometimes naughty and the strongest of bonds when I was a kid. I wasn’t a very good kid but I couldn’t help but talk with Jesus. I can’t remember the long and convoluted conversations I used to have with him but we did converse a fair bit like buddies. I called out to him when I was much, much older in years but the relationship had changed. The Buddha most often has smiled at me…but I’ll be darned if I know what he means by his smile. I got seriously interested in The Buddha after reading one essay 'My Master’s Word' which Suvro da had sent to me when I was in my first semester at Purdue. Among other things, The Buddha also makes me wonder about where he actually went after he broke off from the cycle of rebirth and I can’t help but still be perplexed about how he could leave his baby son and wife behind; I understand it from a clinical and even a ‘far-beyond’ perspective but I don’t get it emotionally and I wonder from the wife’s perspective – didn’t she miss him horribly when he went away without a word? I’ve had a less chatty relationship with The Buddha even though there have been a couple of very serious conversations. But he does smile. I’ve seen him very clearly in my mind’s eye smiling and saying ‘it’s all right’ especially when I was in the last leg of my PhD and sitting and typing very furiously in the main library at Purdue and right after seeing in my mind a flash of the blogpost by my PhD case-study exemplar on whether ‘death makes us momentarily serious’. The Buddha was telling me that it was all right if I didn’t include him, The Buddha, in my study. Vis-à-vis Krishna – when I was in my twenties, in short and sharp jabs I started feeling most intensely and at various emotional, intellectual, philosophical, material and (dare I say?) spiritual levels the relationship Meera had with Krishna and Arjun shared with Krishna – I feel these within even if I can’t really understand most of it but I fail to see or sense what the real deal was between Radha and Krishna…if Krishna didn’t love Radha the best why have so many poets sung about Radha and Krishna; none of the other gopis feature as individuals, and how come Indians being Indians picked on this love affair as the ideal-type: Radha was considerably older than Krishna, it was an illicit intimate physical love affair, Radha was an adulteress and Krishna is, and I for one do believe the legends, noted for loving 16,000 gopis at the same time and he had the exceptional ability to make each one of the gopis believe that he loved her…and there, in that world, Meera was only one of the gopis. Nobody really special until she came to earth as Meera, where she comes into her element. And yet Maharaj Kumar, if I believe the legend of Cuckold (and I do) made sure that Meera would never again forget him as a man. And what indeed became of Radha and the other gopis when Krishna becomes King of Dwarka and moves off and away and marries Rukmini and the rest of his wives? I can see nothing ignominious or brutal in how he died though. He knew he was going to die – he chose his death and it must have been a relatively quick death. It is far, far better than being nailed to a cross. That makes my flesh crawl and the cry torn out of a soul, ‘Lord, why have you forsaken me?!’ I can quite understand at some level how incredibly canny a politician Krishna was and how carefully he used his super-human powers and why he neither tried to halt the Kurukshetra war nor prevent the complete annihilation of his kingdom but the part which I don’t understand – I really don’t. Indians don’t make a big deal of Rukmini and Krishna although they mention in the passing that out of all his wives – he loved Rukmini the best and that she was an avatar of Lakshmi (then who, pray was Radha and and what about Meera?). In Shiva’s case – he keeps loving the same child/woman who comes to earth in various avatars – which actually makes perfect sense to me but Krishna comes across as inscrutable. My best friend says that Krishna being the Ultimate God: he did not have any hierarchy of loving, but I still can’t believe that he didn’t love someone here and there much more and much more intensely. Maybe I'm too dim to get it. I’m sure each one of the gopis wanted him for her own and went into frenzies – but what about him? He wasn’t stupid so why would he not discriminate in terms of whom he loved? He loved Arjun more than any of the Pandava brothers even if he never declares that out-loud. So how did Krishna choose which women he would love? And why is it that Radha stands out among the gopis? I remember one bit from a book by Devdutt Patnaik on Myths and Mithya which elaborates upon many of the legends about the Gods: it would seem that some human beings are simply blessed to be loved and ardently by a great God without doing much or anything and I think this is because maybe they carry some sort of a pure and elusive essence that charms the God and some folks keep churning away and trying and trying and failing more often and have to work much harder to win God’s love maybe because their essence is impure and rough and calloused and ugly. But why did Meera have to wait thousands of years and why did Krishna keep her waiting and what about Maharaj Kumar? Surely he deserved to be loved by Meera? And what made Radha so special to Krishna? I don’t understand or sense or see and so this gets me wondering and even raging or sulking a bit once a month, like clockwork, especially over the last some years till Fimh insists that I must calm down and soothes me and even gets me to smile in spite of myself sometimes with his naughty liners even though I honestly think that he chuckles in glee sometimes when I rage or sulk. Once in my life and it was when I was a little over 33, I felt I were swinging with a complete version of my Fimh in an embrace and on a silver swing in a deep forest with distant bells chiming with perfect music very softly somewhere…I remember the feeling, the waves within, the nameless bliss and the timeless moment vividly as I do some other parts about the surreal and magic and mystery and mystical of life which sometimes really feel as real as the pain and suffering and angst and the despair and the wrenches and monotony and the horrible periods of waiting and the very concrete, tangible and material aspects of life and living. I don’t know about the why or the how of it. It sort of reminds me now about what Willie experienced during a near death experience – of being with Modesty and walking through a beautiful forest and with the ‘stars singing’. I know too that I’ve felt like Meera (even though I cannot sing a note) and Arjun too (even though I wouldn’t know which side was up with a bow and I’d be utterly hopeless at stringing it), which have been clear moments of being. There goes the pompous poof-top Richard Dawkins saying that I’m both barmy and benighted. I’d much rather chortle over what Suvro da has to say about Dawkins. This double-post has become mighty long. On this note I doth depart to attend to other stuff.
Written between 24th-25th of December.
26th December 19:17hrs
25 November 2015
A prof-friend in the US reminded me that it’s Thanksgiving there. I sort of skimmed through an article on The American Scholar about ‘giving thanks’. And I got one phone call from my old friend, some minutes after I got back into the house in the eve'. So God knows I can say that I’m in the best spot I’ve ever been in my life barring maybe some months from back in 2002-2003 and for some months between 2011-2012. Many people, for different reasons, would guffaw and say that that is nothing to feel good about. Maybe or maybe not. I could have done far better and made good in one way, at least by now – I strongly think and should have – and maybe some things could have been brighter for someone else, but I don’t claim to know why certain things happen and other things don’t. It’s also possible that I might have ended up in a lunatic asylum or have been pottering about like a vegetable at the mercy of my blood family and I wouldn’t even have known the bits that I do about one human being or or any being. This ghastly nightmare didn’t come to pass – so I do have reason to be much more than just thankful. I can actually still work. I can still think. I don’t always have brilliant ideas but I can put into practice a few or even a couple of the ideas I do or are sent my way and tend to the fledgling that sprouts from the idea which hatches. I can still talk intelligibly sometimes when I talk, considering the feedback I get. I can’t sing – which will be a regret I’ll live with – (but now I know why my melody never reaches the Lord's feet to go with Tagore's dariye acho tumi amar gaaner opaare - it's simply because I have no melody or tune in my voice to begin with. Maybe the fine and kind Lord keeps his ears shut tight or winces or grimaces or glares or simply gives me strange, tantalizing and teasing glimpses of himself instead, precisely and only because I have no melody with my insistent or continuous 'brayings' and just to shut me up from time to time) And I can’t do lots of things and I can’t be lots of things but there’s still a couple of things I can do. And my old friend and my best friend and my Fimh did and still do provide me with asylum. Not in the normal sense and not quite normally – that is what I’ll still say. But I know that this is absolutely nothing to sneeze at. And it was and is asylum akin in a sense to how Dr. Johnson defined it: a space to where she who has fled cannot be taken away from; it has been more of a mental or even a spiritual space more than a physical space across decades although sometimes it actually has been both or three or more. I can't go through all the permutations and combinations here.
Unlike some people who wish to die when they’re feeling joyous or nearly close to joyous or feeling close to bliss – I feel with this obmutacious certainty (which comes from God knows where) that I can achieve the impossible when I feel the spots, specks and flecks, glints or even the shimmering shadows of a mellow warm glow or those of laughter or joy or of the piercing light of meaning. No matter how unpredictable or how grey or how thunderous or stormy the times might be otherwise. And I worry like the dickens too. I can’t help it. I keep feeling that it’s all going to be taken away and in a sudden snap. There's Shakespeare's sonnet about 'ruin' (sonnet 64) which I can't rattle off but I remember the essence. My terror is not a misplaced terror. I’ve had that happen often enough in the past and not always for reasons that I can fathom. And I’ve watched like a dumb beast. In this sense I’ve never been able to agree with Tagore’s Bojhapora. I’ve tried that angle and I’ve failed abysmally and I can’t help but say, feel, know and even realize from the deepest part of me: so be it. There’s an advantage to placing all one’s eggs into one basket. And it has its obvious disadvantages. But advantages and disadvantages aside – at some point in life, one makes certain choices. I did. And I’ve not changed from then. I might not know and certainly do not know about a lot in life – but I know about this and extremely and exceptionally well. And over and over and over…This is the basket – one says. I don’t want many baskets or any others. So one has to and must, by that admission, take what comes with that. One cannot and must not complain and I know I’ve never even in the remotest corners of my being complained about this. There is an advantage about being schizophrenic – one has very little of any subconscious that one isn’t aware of or is completely unaware of. One is forced or is somehow made to face the murky depths and the sublime highs – whether one likes it or not; whether one wants to or not. The upshot is that the shards of joy or those of clarity and of meaning far outstrip the angst, the absolute terror, the grey and grisly, the horror, the uncomprehending sorrow…and one very quietly knows with passing moments that no matter what else – one has become a better human being for making that one choice even if one doesn’t always want to admit to the same or pay attention to the same or one feels terrible twinges of regret and sadness or anger directed towards oneself or even if one yells at God for things which might have been – and just a little different maybe – or even if one feels every now and then that one doesn’t really understand a lot of how civilizations and fate and lives get organized. But what one cannot do is to either imagine or ever want to make a different choice. Whether one chooses one's work-life or any relation or some hobby or the inner-life or whether one chooses one bit and all the other parts get organized accordingly somehow and sometimes by one's donkey-like persistence and some mysterious and invisible hand. I also can't help but remember that my old friend had written to me in November 2002 about what the French say: 'Partir c'est mourir en peu' - and I know it's true. But it's better to die a little upon parting with the lump that simply will not be dislodged in the throat and to have tears some 24 hours later than to keep dying in a grey and unbroken and desert landscape with no meetings and no partings and no re-unions. I’m not making any recommendations of how to be if one is or has been dubbed schizophrenic though. What might seem to work for one person might not work at all for another.
I’ve also been virulently grumpy sometimes even through the last year and I’ve had grey despair cloaking me and choking me too for long months sometimes and I’ve yelled angrily at God quite often through the last three years if I wasn’t yelling at myself and have even howled in silence. And yet I’ve also looked at myself quietly and said there’s nothing more I can do or be. A die was rolled and I’ve made some clear and very articulate choices. I remember them – even if I simply made them in my own head. I sometimes look at the way lives have shaped up and remember images that swept through my mind in mad bursts from 18 years ago. I’m not sure what to think of then. I can’t be a soothsayer – I think I’d have been wealthier if I’d been a real one but it can’t be possible that I’m merely a jinx or a curse and nothing but, surely? I don’t know. What I do know is that if I can’t do what I’m meant to then I am not good enough and never will be. And that has made me paradoxically feel like a bit of a matter-of-fact warrior if not a peaceful warrior.
Back in April when the ground trembled in this part of the world I had the grim feeling of ‘this is it’. My mind was finally completely bifurcating. I could physically feel it. I’d been writing something in my diary and making notes about work at the same time at that point and I could feel this eerie sensation of my mind splitting and that a part of it was floating upwards. I’ve strangely enough felt something similar back in the past but nothing so completely physical. A part of me was a little taken aback. It decided to walk around to see whether I still felt the same way. And another part said ‘it’s an earthquake, silly. You’re not becoming completely unhinged.’ I didn’t know what to think but I called out to Fimh. I knew he was there for he responded and I knew he was there if not physically right there beside me. I looked out of my little balcony and saw people on the road and I noted that I didn’t feel particularly peculiar in my mind. And just when I felt that the whole thing was just an aberration of my own abnormal mind – there was that weird feeling of bifurcation again. I trembled in my mind alongwith the ground beneath my feet. And then I was sure it was an earthquake. Fimh said so and quite calmly and quite sunnily although I didn’t see anything sunny about it. I didn’t take more than seconds to scan exactly what I’d done in life, which I considered to be of any remote value and what I was doing. I was perfectly aware of whom I valued – and I didn’t see the point in being terrified of even dying right then. If it happened, I’d know that I wasn’t meant to do anything more and that was that. An hour later on that Saturday I looked up on the internet and there it was – the earthquake in Nepal. I'd much rather not return to the month of May, not even in memory even though I wasn't in any accident physically.
In my young years, as a 6 or even 7 year old, I had not felt very far away from death and some other place and with some other being who wasn’t there in my everyday life. I missed some other being very badly and some other life but I didn’t really know the how or why about it. In my teens, I was sure that I would die young and wise and after having left my footprints on the sand. Ha? Ha? Yes, I guess. And yet to say that I was supremely fearless about dying and death as a 6 year-old would be lying. I had believed for decades that I’d never been scared about death and dying and yet it was only some two years and eight months ago when I started thinking about it again after I read and had been contemplating upon Suvro da's posts on Meditations I and Meditations II that I remembered very old memories. The memory was there and quite clearly and unabashedly. One day, after school hours, the older kids of St. Augustine's were chatting with me and one of the kids looked at my bag and told me that lightning would strike the metal clasp on the bag and that I would die. I knew that the physical pain of death would be horrible and that’s what I feared most terribly. I don’t know why or how I knew this or why it was that the physical pain terrified me so. I replied and solemnly that I would cover the metal clasp with my coat. One of them, with a cool superiority, let me know that the lightning would find that strip through my coat. One of the boys, as he left, tugged at the metal clasp on the bag, and very seriously, told me to be careful about it. All I remember in a movie scene-like way is what I did after I was off the school bus which dropped me off about two or three blocks from where I stayed back then. I ran. I ran faster than I ever had. I ran as fast as my legs could carry me while clutching onto that blasted metal strip hidden under my coat. I was terrified. The lightning forks were there in the sky and the thunder rolled. I don’t remember all of whatever happened as it happened but I remember it from what is stored in my memory bank. I remember the cold rain. I remember running and my heart pounding and the rain spraying on my face. I got back to the door and I rang the bell. I kept ringing the bell over and over and looking at the sky while covering that metal clasp with my fist and my heart was still pounding. I was looking for the lightning forks in the sky. The door was opened and I was scolded soundly and roundly and loudly – with reason, I’d say. I had absolutely and completely and clean forgotten that the door was always kept unlocked during the time that I came back from school. I didn’t say a word and I slipped in-doors. My memory disappears completely after that but I know I never did say a word about why I had rung that bell so insistently.
I was told once, upon my asking, that I was born a few minutes past midnight on the night of the 20th of November – close enough to the witching hour. And apparently, in those days, cats had a free rein in hospitals and there was a black cat that insisted on keeping me company, and it had to be shooed away every so often. I can’t however fly on a magic carpet or broom or make blissful magic, sadly enough. The latter especially will always be a sore point for me. Otherwise I would have made a few of the best dreams of my best friend come true by now. But I turned 40 over the weekend and it was the best birthday I’ve had. I certainly was quietly and wondrously disbelieving even if I didn’t actually go about grinning or yelling about it. So, thank you. There were conversations and moments of being and I know I’ve felt grace through mixed times across almost a couple of decades. The 11 year-old me from one particular day onwards would look with wide eyes and say gruffly and very solemnly, ‘I don’t believe you’ if anyone were to tell her. I can't help feeling bashful about it. I can’t think of anything remotely good that I did in my youth or childhood. From one perspective, it has been, a life of sudden and utterly unexpected surprises and supreme and strange and the best of surprises, in spite of the incomprehension over more things than I can count, in how I’d like to remember it, so far. I'll raise a toast to the future. I did that twice a little over a month ago. Maybe three times might work a charm.
13 November 2015
I can now quite appreciate Einstein’s example of relativity. I’ve had the experience a few rare times in the past, and I’ve had enough such times speed by or unfurl to know that it really is true. Time does fly by faster and even warps in strange ways when one is where one wants to be. From quite some years ago, I also remember how long one minute can be in the final minute of a twenty minute run on a treadmill, and I wasn’t even aiming for the four minute mile record. I have other far less humorous examples too, but I’ll let those lie buried. I sometimes wonder these days whether one can feel bliss from one’s own point of view. I did think I was experiencing bliss as a confirmed lunatic quite some years ago, and on multiple occasions, but that was all in my head and there was very little connection to what Somebody else was feeling.
I had the best Kali Pujo of my life and a rather tantalizing dream-like five days preceding that. I don’t want to call November a grim and brooding and glaring month full of cold ice and sleet after the first leg of November, this year. I even strung up fairy lights for the first time in my life, courtesy Suvro da, and I flicked on the switch as soon as dusk approached. Even Suvro da said a real and loud ‘Nice!’ when he saw the lights. Pupu was there on Kali Pujo. She found the ghuronto/strobe light and some more twines of fairy lights stored so high in a cupboard that I hadn’t even been able to reach the door handle of the cupboard while perched on a chair and standing on the tips of my toes. We strung those up together and Suvro da fixed the strobe light which shimmered and cast magical light - rather psychedelic, I'd say while dusk melted with twilight. For quite a few years I had wondered about the Rangoli and how Pupu made delicate and beautiful colourful patterns with the dust-like abir. Well, I got to see it for myself and on Suvro da’s insistence and Pupu’s encouragement I even made about ten round dots, of different sizes in bright blue, magenta and red, that Pupu had etched out dexterously with a chalk. A bunch of Suvro da’s cheery and lively boys came around in the evening armed with their fire crackers. Pupu and Suvro da had already gotten a little store of fire crackers earlier on in the day. So for the entire evening the braver boys burst the colorful and noisy firecrackers in the street. I blew up a few Kali potkas with great glee and a great grin on my face. It must have been after more than a quarter of a century! One of Suvro da’s students, Swapnayu, was kind enough to hand me a handful. The firecrackers were over a little too soon and Suvro da handed out some more dough for the boys to get some more. I was almost going off on one of the bicycles myself to get a bit of abir that I thought we needed for the Rangoli but chickened out in the last moment. The bicycle seat was too high! One of Suvro da’s students when he saw me wobbling with the bike cautioned me and simply asked me a straight forward question of whether I would stay on the seat or fall off. I wasn’t worried about falling off but the shame and horror of it if I fell off on the road right in front or somehow damaged one of Suvro da’s students’ bicycle made me go back sheepishly and park the bike and slip out quietly on foot. Back in Purdue in the Fall of 2003, I had borrowed a bicycle from a senior and with grim merriment cycled around the campus for a bit until I remembered that I couldn’t get off a very high cycle….so I had started yelling at random passers-by as to whether they would please get a hold of the cycle while I leapt off. I remember there were at least two nice young undergraduates who tried running after me while I sailed by on the cycle. When it didn’t work after a couple of rounds, I told them not to worry while one of them smiled back at me. I went back to the spot where my friends were rather impatiently waiting for me. I yelled at them to grab a hold of the bike – which they did and I leapt off. I don’t think I could have tried such tactics here. But I felt like an idiot later. Modesty Blaise would have tut-tutted me. At the market I spied all the boys who had gone to get the next batch of firecrackers – or else they spotted me and yelled cheerily and I yelled back equally cheerily. The gulal – the particular colour that Pupu and I wanted was not to be found and so I walked back sadly but Pupu didn’t seem the least bit disheartened. A substitute had been found which worked well enough. Pupu lit the candles around the decoration – and the Rangoli looked beautiful. The candles, which Suvro da had gotten resembled chocolate cups. I don’t know whether, in some other lifetime, I belonged to a tribe which believes that photographs trap the happy souls or memories of people…but post 2003 – I have always been a little circumspect about taking photos…but how I still wish I’d taken some photos. There were still lots of firecrackers that the boys were bursting and burning and the light filled colours and the noises were met with ahhhs and a few ouches. A few of the boys had gone inside to click photographs of themselves and I couldn’t help but poke a bit of fun at them as one of them was beautifying himself for the photo-round. In between, we ate some delicious warm chicken patties, courtesy Suvro da, who else? I was telling Pupu an incident of when we’d been in high-school: I’d lit a chocolate bomb on that very road just before carefully putting half a coconut shell on top of it and I’d been scolded a bit by her grandfather and her aunt had complained for at least half the evening that she couldn’t hear properly with one of her ears (I forget which one). Suvro da was telling Pupu that his boys were angels compared to what he had been at their age – he described himself as a ‘goonda’ (thug)! at their age...At some point, I forget when, Suvro da’s boys went back and complained to the shop-keeper from where they’d gotten their second supply of fireworks that a few of their main ‘canons’ had not gone off properly and so they returned with their second supply of ‘free' canons very proudly and they set those off as an encore for the evening’s proceedings of pure fun and delight. While watching the lights, one bright floating lantern that skimmed the skies and the showers of lights from the near-by PCBL display I was thinking with a sense of sudden surprise that it’s very rarely that I’ve ever wanted to be nowhere else but right where I am and this was one of those rare moments. Even Fimh, who was right there so to speak, seemed to be quietly content. I’ll skip over jealously-guarded parts in between but at some point, while curled up under warm blankets I raced through the last few chapters of Christie’s ‘Crooked House’ – a book I last read in school. I think of all the murder mysteries that Agatha Christie came up with – this one is the creepiest. I’d been reading it in a serialized format every afternoon for exactly a week and I finished it late on Kali Pujo.
Fimh insists that I write a bit about human motivations. Human motivations and why people do what they do. The question of ‘why’ is an interesting question, and quite often it’s far more interesting and intriguing than the question of ‘how’. If one persists with asking the ‘why’ then one does, I think..., move to a better place in the hierarchy of being human than before – if one wants to, that is. I’ll write about this soon enough, I guess, because Fimh has been prodding me to for over half a year. But this is the post for tonight.
Happy Children’s Day….if you’re not a kid, biologically speaking – it’s for the kid that's there inside you. May it live for as long as you do!